Chanandler Bong
on the road
Lately I've been pissed because of a sociology assignment that screwed up my grade

Yesterday I felt depressed because of my thinking that screwed up my life

In the car I realized that thinking itself did this.

I scarcely lived in a moment, I've always thought of consequences, others, judgemnet, social position, authority, how to avoid embarrassment, how to leave an impression...of what? just an average likable person.

Something has always prevented me from doing what I felt like doing, in truth, I have, and it left me with regrets and dozens of "what if"

I hesitated again and again and again.

Couarge.

"We Are Young"was playing and i was staring at Garrett's back, thinking of how it was more of a stubborness now, stubborness of a kid who could never let go of a dream having a bird even if he already has two dogs and hermit crabs. And in his middle thirties.

Courage.

I was thinking of all the things I haven't done because I was afraid of looks and talks or regrets

all the things I haven't done and in my head they were killing me wi
th looks and talks of regrets

all the things since I haven't done because I was afraid or embarrassed

all the things I am embarrassed I've never done

Courage.

Since I was 7 they were building up in my head in this giant line, screaming at me like children hating on their new classmate
With what have I ever balanced them off? Thoughts like "oh, wow, you avoided a possible embarrassment or regrets that could have happened"
......
nice grades? ( when they still were nice)



I was standing there,staring at Garrett's back and everything, everything I was embarrassed to, I was afraid to, I hesitated to, I didn't, I haven't, I wasn't was there.

i stand and started and I didn't.

In the car it got to me.

You know,here I didn't think of 6th place in history olympiad or British bulldog, and ín few years I won't think of sociology grade or world lit papers.

When they ask me of good things about my life, I think of this day with Nib when we haven't slept all night, met in the park on a cold winter day, froze our asses out,went sliding and got scared as hell because of some supernatural fuckery. I think of Party in Kovrov, dancing your heart out, swimming in the fountain and talking shit. I think of standing in a train tambour with Jay, laughing obnoxiosly and pretend to be normal while people pass us by for few seconds. I think of making videos with Artie where our singing and dancing can leave you deaf and blind. I think of contests with Lerka, such as "Who spits farther". I think of my karbula childhood with Bou.

Where are papers in that?

I am tired of living uptight.
I am tired of regretting thing I've never done because I was afraid I'd regert them
I am tired of thinking things through

What is the point of fear of death if you haven't even lived?